I stole this list from Bruce Gerenscer, a wonderful atheist who used to be an evangelical pastor. Do read his blog. I added my usual short and sweet responses. Nothing new, but if you want to cut and past them, you are more than welcome. Most can be used for any type of theist.
- I’ll Pray for You
“Oh that’s nice. So, what are you praying for? I do need to know so I can give you reports on how well you are doing. ”
If they own up to what they are praying for: “Hmmm, okay, so how long should that take? And if nothing happens, what can I put you down for as why: your god doesn’t consider you a Christian and thus won’t answer your prayers as it promises; your god loves an honest atheist and is fine with me; your god doesn’t exist?”
- Have You Ever Heard the Gospel?
“Why yes, I used to be a Christian and I’ve read the bible in its entirety as a Christian and as not. Now, do tell me what your magic decoder ring is that tells you what is to be taken literally and what is to be claimed as metaphor or simply ignored since it is inconvenient and how do you know that it is better than the magic decoder ring that your fellow Christians have?”
3. God Laid You on My Heart
“God did what to you? Oh, you’re claiming that your god told you to bother me. Nah, that’s just you needing external validation and you think I’d be a prize to be won to make yourself feel better.”
- God is Trying to Get Your Attention
“What, with you? You’re the best representative this god has? Such a shame. How about if this god pays attention to those dying of hunger, who suffer from amputations, etc. He can help them. I don’t need it. But it’s easier for you to lie and claim your god is interested in me rather than it doing something. Oh and claiming that misery is this god’s actions to force people to worship it? I sure as fuck won’t worship some vicious asshole like that.”
- You’ll Go to Hell if You Don’t Accept Jesus
“Umm, which hell? Christians don’t’ agree on what it is or even if it exists. Your sadistic fantasies don’t bother me. Oh, it isn’t *your* fantasies, it’s just what this god needs? Nice “I am only following orders” excuse, my dear.”
- I Know the Holy Spirit is Speaking to You
“Really? What is it saying? I do know that Christians all claim that the ol’ HS is speaking to them, but funny how it always give everyone a different message.”
- Do You Want Your Children or Grandchildren to Grow Up Without Knowing God and Having No Morals?
“Yup, I do, if they are your morals. Sorry, dear, I don’t react well to attempts at engendering fear for someone’s imaginary friend. Pity that Christians can’t agree on what morals their god wants. You just get back to me when you can do what the bible promises every baptized believer in Christ as personal savior can do.
addendum: always curious when Christians like e.g. “to feel attraction toward or take pleasure in; enjoy” my posts.
Club Schadenfreude 