Not So Polite Dinner Conversation – A review of the Noah movie trailer. Oh my, the silliness and this is only a few minutes of an hours long movie.

look, a scary snake!
look, a scary snake!

Haven’t seen the movie yet probably won’t, because I have no desire to add to the box office hits for this stinker. But I thought I’d take a look at the trailer and the movie website.  I do enjoy showing how ridiculous the flood myth is, and have done so multiple times on this blog. Just use the search box and type in “flood” to find those old posts. (following images are screen captures from the trailer here)

Open on Noah looking at a mountain, and stepping in what appears to be blood. Then we get a rapid sequence of images from the story of Adam and Eve, including mutant evil snake almost as good as the effects on a SyFy movie!  :p   Noah has just had a vision that tells him his god will destroy the world. noah wasteland


The world has evidently been deforested. Which presents a problem in where Noah gets the huge timber for his magical boat. Yes, I know, it’s silly to require internal logic in such a story.  🙂



World’s silliest boat. This is made from raw tree trunks. I grew up on a farm where the barn was made from hand cut timbers. Most of the tools for this were still around, adzes, drills for peg holes, etc. These are not complicated tools and we do get glimpses of a few on the website. Noah evidently did not use them at all. We get Noah, making what looks like a box with lashed tree trunks, and painted with what I will assume is bitumen, a thick hydrocarbon that comes from the ground in various sites in the Middle East.   There have been Christians who claim that this movie is not “historically accurate”. Considering that they vary in how they think the ark was shaped, perhaps this is one of the “historically inaccurate” parts.  We also have Ron Wyatt, he of “I have evidence but can’t show you it” fame, who is sure that a huge geological formation is the ark.


Alas the bible doesn’t give much description at all and there is no reason to think that this ludicrous structure is any more wrong then the usual boat with tapered hull and keel illustration that many Christians are familiar with and use in their claims of finding the ark. It would indeed take magic to make such a mess float, survive the explosive water spouts, waves, etc. And what a fire trap. animals and arkThen the loading sequence. There are quite a few birds in that circling swarm above the ark, plus we have the herd of every other animal approaching it.

ark doorAs they enter, we see that the boat can perhaps have one extra deck other than the top of the box and the bottom. Looks like we have an okapi, quite few brown bears or grizzlies, maybe a water buffalo, etc. This is confirmed the bit of the website called “The Ark Experience”, where there is an avian deck, a reptile deck and a mammal deck.  Oh and don’t forget to check out the “furnace”, an invention that keeps Noah and the animals warm. This is one of the problem with trying to make a reasonable explanation for a myth, why not just have magic do that too rather than having a fire on board a boat made from logs, and tar.


Then we get snakes and frogs, and the birds are still flying around and loading up. I love this one “problem” with the movie that a TrueChristian mentioned “In some cases, it looks like two of every species are packing into the ark rather than two of every biblical “kind.” That would make a very tight fit.” – Jerry Johnson, NRB. No kidding. This shows that Christians have to make up nonsense like “kinds” (some type of animal that all other similar animals can magically come from) to excuse their myth.

Finally we get the lovely all explody water from the “springs of the earth”, and the desperate people who want to get on the ark. Unsurprisingly, no kids seem to be around at all. The only kids on all of the earth seems to be Noah’s. It does help that believers don’t show this god drowning children and kittens, koalas, and pandas. It’d be a little hard on their god’s PR. Now, again, I have not watched the entire movie so I could be wrong in that it does not show children. If anyone has seen it and can show me differently, I’d much appreciate it. This depiction of how the water arrives again may be one of the parts that some believers say is “historically inaccurate” because it depends on who you believe for what caused the flooding of the world to the top all of the mountains on it. We have many silly hypotheses from believers, the hydroplate hypothesis, the canopy hypothesis, runway subduction, comets, or those who just want plain ol’ magic. One can also see more details on how other claims about the ark itself fail here in an analysis of “magic flood is real” claimant Woodmorappe’s book. (Woodmorappe does try to refute this analysis: link found on the analysis page. Like many TrueChristians, it seems that he thinks that the more fonts and colors he uses, the more true his claims must appear.)

There’s been a lot of excuses that this isn’t the “literal” story from the bible so one should not accept it as the “truth”, per the National Religious Broadcasters association. The problem is that the literal story *is* the bare bones that this movie is built on. Those bones are still as ridiculous as ever and still without a shred of evidence. The claims of the “springs of the earth” exploding with water, the huge boat that can hold all of the animals of the world, etc. It all depends on magic nonsense. I do think that this movie does have a purpose, to show just how ludicrous the idea of a monster boat and a global flood is and how horrible the idea of genocidal drowning is. I do wonder how “outraged” these believers would be if they did indeed show children drowning to be “historically accurate”.  One of the more offensive excuses for god killing children and animals is that they would have died anyway and it’s fine since they would have been distressed to see their parents die.  (evidence for this: here, here, and just google “did god drown children” to see even more)

Another thing that could be “historically inaccurate” to some believers is that they back off the biblical claims of a world-wide flood and say that it could have been only regional. So, we need only a flood that maybe was from a good hard rain or at most from a wall of debris coming apart and allowing a lake or sea to escape its basin. Which does make one wonder why one magical event can be reduced to the mundane and not all of them? If believers can’t agree on what “really” happened, why believe anything like this happened at all?

I will have to say that I give props to the movie’s producers in that they have a section of the movie website dedicated to artwork about the flood. Some are less than flattering of the event and the god who supposedly did it, especially this one:

For a more thorough review of how silly the flood story is and why, Talk Origins has a good compilation of all the problems with it and all of the retrofitting that believers have had to try to make it sound plausible. You can also see a great video on how geology shows that the flood didn’t occur thanks to Potholer54.

8 thoughts on “Not So Polite Dinner Conversation – A review of the Noah movie trailer. Oh my, the silliness and this is only a few minutes of an hours long movie.

  1. I saw a web page somewhere…some guy going through all sorts of gyrations to explain how this ark story was plausible. It was pretty much turtles all the way down ridiculous. I wish I rememebered what that site was. Though I am sure most of you would rather have a lobotomy than go see it anyway 🙂 The one thing that stood out in this guy’s rationalizations was some along the lines of “Noah probably trained all of the animals to back up against the rail to do their business” So as to remove the impossible job of keeping the decks clean. Like I said, turtles all the way down.

    I read the babble when I was around 16 or so, as I recall the dimensions for this ark were quite square. Why is it every time I see a rendition of this idiotic childrens fantasy, these arks all appear to be swept in design, as if to illustrate seaworthiness? That pic you have there of the AiG ark looks a lot like a modern oil tanker.

    I should know better than to start asking questions…the answers are never satisfying.


  2. I like your statement about the “only children” aspect. One of my favorite aspects of the Brick Testament(the Bible done out of Lego by an Atheist…that stays absolutely true to the text) was a woman holding up her baby to the ark and being ignored as the flood waters consumed them.


  3. The disparity between the critics (76%) and audience (47%) on RT is quite pronounced, and the Christians are not amused:

    “Very disappointed! This movie made the bible out to be a far fetched fairy tell [sic]” ~Corda B

    “…from my perspective, they made God out to be a mean tyrant.” ~Stephanie B

    “Not suitable at all for a younger audience; way too much death and violence.”~Marian S

    “…what bothered me the most was the portrayal of God as a vindictive being in the sky, bereft of mercy…” ~Danielle G

    Box Office Mojo claims it raked in $44 million on the opening weekend, but bad word-of-mouth and the opening of Captain America will likely sink this adventure before the week ends.


    1. lovely collection of TrueChristian indignation. It seems that none of these TCs have ever actually read the bible for themselves to see that their god is indeed a mean vindictive tyrant or all of the death and violence in it. They seems to have rely on the sanitized versions that they were told in Sunday School.


    2. In fairness, here’s a very positive review (plus interview with one of the film’s writers) written by an Episcopalian priest:

      In this sense, Noah is more than a simple biblical adaptation. It is a faithful adaptation. It is full of faith, and it is faithful to the original story and its tradition and legacy. Many films are biblical, in the literal way. But Noah accomplishes something remarkable and rare in a film based on a story from the Bible. It is faithful to what the text is trying to say, to its themes, and to what questions the text raises about God and humanity.

      Overall, I found it quite insightful.


      1. very interesting. it does make me wonder on what the priest thinks the bible is “trying” to say. One would think that a omnipotent/omniscient being wouldn’t have to try at all 🙂


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