Oh my, the History Channel is putting on a mini-series about the bible, all with “reenactments”. Well considering that none of the essential events of the bible have been shown to have occurred at all, this should be like watching “re-enactments” of Br’er Rabbit, Br’er Fox and the tar baby. Their Jesus sure is northern European Caucasian and has the long hair that a Jewish man wouldn’t have had during that time. You know: “27 “‘Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.” Leviticus 19 has a whole lot of the crazy laws in it and some actually coherent ones.
One would think that the executive producers would be a bit more concerned with reality, but since one was the “angel” (she cast herself as the Virgin Mary) from Touched By An Angel, the sappy and soporific Christian fantasy television show, no wonder it looks to be complete drek. The other producer is the guy who has brought you such “reality” shows as Survivor, etc complete with ginned up drama from very ignorant and silly people. The History Channel can add religious myths to its line up of aliens, Nazis and lunatics who think we didn’t land on the moon. How pitiful that it’s going down the same path The Learning Channel has, becoming a freak show where it’s okay to ridicule people from the politially safe spot at home on a couch. A note: this mini-series is supposedly using the NIV and NRSV as the bibles of choice. Now what will our KJV-onlyists do?
But if we have to have such a thing, there could be some great moments of cinema if we select the right parts. Parts that our “reality” TV guru would appreciate, if he wasn’t trying to hide behind the skirts of respectability.
First, we have the good ol’ description of a prostitute lying with men with “emissions the size of donkeys”. (Ezekiel 23) No, this god couldn’t just say he’ll tear down cities, nope, we get bestiality porn and rape fantasies.
Isaiah wandering around naked for three years as a “sign and portent”. (Isaiah 20) Yep, that would sure be a sign of *something* alright.
Jephtha burning his daughter alive as a human sacrifice to his god. (Judges 11)
Jesus cursing a fig tree when it was out of season. Mark 11 You get the next scene here too.
The communist arrangement among believers in Acts 4. Oh the scandal of showing that apostles weren’t good capitalists! And then Peter killing Anaias for not admitting he kept some money back and hiding the body. His wife comes by and is killed too. Acts 5:1-11
A truly Conan-esque bit of violence with a sword and guts. Judges 3
Genocide where the Israelites take virgin girls as war booty. Numbers 31 One can, unfortunately, imagine the grief and terror.
Bears killing people for insulting a prophet by calling him bald. 2 Kings 2:23-24
Lions doing the same because God is an idiot. This god supposedly tells a prophet to demand that a certain man hit the prophet with his weapon. The prophet does (doesn’t say that god demands this) and the man refuses like any normal human being would do. This “certain man” is then killed by a lion for not obeying a word of god that no one told him about. 1 Kings 20:30-40
Uzza trying to do the right thing and getting zapped and killed 2 Samuel 6
Job where we have God just having a nice little chat with Satan and then saying “sure do what you want with those around Job, doesn’t matter to me.” aka “Pity your family was killed; sure wouldn’t want anything to happen to you, if you didn’t, you know, worship me correctly”.
Jude where a lot of the stuff that many Christians think are apocryphal are mentioned, like the archangel michael contesting for Moses’ body, Enoch being all magical (but his book being left out of the “official” bible, tsk, so embarrassing), etc. At least half of Christianity out there will be all offended by that stuff.
Balaam’s talking donkey, always good for the cartoon crowd (Numbers 22)
God having a very human body and then showing his “backparts” to Moses: Exodus 33:15-25 Does he moon Moses? If not, he’s clothed, and that means a long robe, a loincloth or really big pants. (maybe like Fin Fang Foom )
A Israelite’s concubine (and the daughter of another man) given over to rape by a frightened man. He (a levite of the priestly class) cuts the body of the concubine up because his honor was injured. God of course approves and more genocide: Judges 19 – 20
Satan trying to get Jesus (aka god) to worship him (You’d think he’d know better if the stories about JC were actually true). (Matthew 4)
Adam inspecting the animals and going “No, god, not really feeling it with the armadillo as a “helpmeet” some time later “Nope, stripes and hooves don’t seem to be it either.” (Genesis 2)
“4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.” Song of Solomon 5 I can’t even guess…..
God saying he doesn’t like to be around the disabled or ugly (Leviticus 21)
JC saying directly that he speaks in parables to make sure some people don’t understand and make sure that they are damned. (Mark 4)
Now these all would make for a much more interesting show rather than the supposed rehashing of the usual stuff that everyone, even non-Christians know about.
I also think quite a lot of what JC supposedly said, actually depicted and given a real voice saying them would horrify a lot of people who generally don’t think too hard about their religion.
What do you hear when this is said? Paraphrased for modern ears….
“You cannot attend your family, you must follow me only. You cannot say good-bye.” (Luke 9)
“You must hate your family and life itself to follow me. You must give up all of your possessions.” Luke 14
Sounds like any cult leader.